April 29, 2007
Larry, tonight has been one of the hard ones for me. You know I get more of those than I want to though sometimes I don't think it's right when I don't feel that way all the time. Sometimes when I find myself laughing it bothers me. I know they say life is for the living and that you want us to go on and be happy. It's just so hard honey and I sometimes don't know how I'm expected to act. You know, sometimes I think I can do this, I got to thinking that tonight it's been 5 months since you died and that it's getting better then I think how can it be better when you're dead and I can't just call you and have you in my life anymore? And I can't see the babies and feel you in them like I did when they were here. I bet when your Dad and I were talking about you tonight on the way home you were shaking your head at how we get. I need to talk about you but don't like to bring you up too much to the kids or your Dad so I don't get them thinking but when I do or they do mention you even in an offbeat way, I have a hard time not choking up and I think they know. And any time someone mentions a loss I get that way. It's hard to hide ya know? I wish I could feel you with me somehow just a little every day, just for a minute or a few seconds or any time at all. Do you think you could maybe just kinda touch me a little somehow so I feel better? It would help me so much Larry. I know you can. Remember that book I read about that lady and her son Kyle? I thought it was a bit much when I read it but she seemed so at peace with what he did. Maybe she was a little crazy like I thought then but you know what? I think that just may be okay after all. So what do you say Lar? Don't leave me alone. It hurts. I can't believe it's been 5 months. How can it possibly be? I love you honey. Mom
Aug 8, 2007
Larry, I checked my email tonight and saw the letter saying there was a new entry in your guest book. I's been a long time so it was a surprise. I found myself staring at the email waiting for it to disappear like the last one. Remember? I was also surprised to see it was Shane. I guess I never see how much it bothers him of all of us as he always has to have that tough guy attitude. It sometimes it so hard to love him or should I say like him? I could feel the pain in his letter to you and it set me off again. I can't believe it's been 8 months..almost 1 year. How did this happen? It still feels like yesterday to me and normally I try to avoid even thinking about it because it hurts me so bad. Cody said he dreamt about you last night. I found myself clinging to what he had to say and wanting to share in the feeling. I told him if he remembered the dream well they say it means you were really there. I like to think so. I miss you so much. You and I never saw things the same way but I loved you and still do. It's not supposed to be this way. You can't be gone because it's not right. I sometimes think about calling you, think about "when we go to Florida I'll see Larry and he'll do this and that.." but we won't and you won't and it's not fair. There's too much you were supposed to do and so much living waiting for you. The kids are supposed to have a daddy. They go through a lot and are so young. People say that since they are young it'll be easier for them to deal with. I guess that the way I look at it is it isn't real to them yet but it sure will be when they get a little older and they will feel cheated out of loving and knowing you. I know you love those kids. It must have been hard to show them love the right way cuz all you knew was the way I showed it to you. I was a crappy mom and guess I still am. I was really surprised the way the boys helped me through things when I was there. I guess it surprised me that they loved me like that even though I am the way I am. still remember when Carissa was born how you were so possessive of her and wouldn't let anyone else hold her or change her. Of course that only lasted a short time but it sure did surprise me as you were always a little hard to figure. Kinda mean then you go and show me another Larry with a soft side. And she never really got to know you. That is sad. All those years we let a few miles keep us apart. Stupid. Stupid. Can't take it back can you? Maybe I had a lot to do with the attitude you had but I am me and you are you and oil and water..right? your Dad says I should get off here and not let myself get upset. I put off writing and even looking at this site because as always I am "out of sight out of mind" Don't like to face the bad stuff do I? That will never change. God Larry, can you see us and how things are here? I guess you'd have to say we are doing better overall than we have maybe ever and hopefully we'll climb out of the ditch fully this time. That would be a relief for sure. You've gotta be proud of Dad with how he's been. Some things I do make me think I am a little loose upstairs now but I guess that's not all that different. Larry, I wish I could feel you close. Why can't I? Why don't I dream about you? Why do I always hear of "those kinda things" but it's not there? At least not for me. I find myself sometimes just inserting you and what happened into the conversation with people I don't know and then kinda passing over it as I do..and then when they act sympathetic I brush it off. Why? I just feel like I have to make you real sometimes. Larry, make me feel better? Please? It's so hard on me. It really is and I don't think it will get better for me really. You know what I mean. What I need. I love you, Mom
Feb 5, 2008
Boy, time sure flies. Guess you know we had your birthday cake like usual on the 1st. We had a conversation about how many candles to use. I said we should always use 24 every year. But your dad suggested one for each of the kids so there we go.. Desi pink, damian blue and alana yellow..Seems like I get in these spurts of spending time with you and it tears me up when I do. The other night when I put those poems on the site I could barely see to write them. Every time I look at things relating to you it brings things back so vividly. I really wonder if it will ever be where I can look at you and not have my heart ache. It is still so hard to believe. I have so much more I can write but I am tired and things having been so crappy lately I don't have a great mindset. So till I do..I love you Lar.